Faith

Faith is one of the those things that seems so easy , but it really isn’t it isn’t as easy as everyone says.. How many of us really believe in God and how many of us really believe that he’s there with us 24 7. None of us have seen him. Have you ever had a moment in life where you think about certain things and maybe they shouldn’t have turned out as good as they did and maybe they shouldn’t have turned out where you’re still alive? Have you ever had those moments where you should have been in a car accident you should have been the one that got hit walking on the crosswalk any of those kind of moments? I have I have had plenty of those moments moments where maybe I just shouldn’t have survived maybe I don’t belong here maybe I don’t deserve to live. But because I am here because I am Alive because I do have a life because I am healthy because my children are healthy because my life is taking turns and places and direction that I wasn’t quite ready for that they are leading me to success I have faith. And it’s all happening because I took that leap of faith I brought myself back to my roots of Christianity I am learning and growing through God I had to learn that God is there for me I had to learn that I was never alone in those dark places where I thought that no one cared. It took me awhile to accept that he loves me or that he was there for me or that I deserve to even be loved. It took me awhile to accept that I would go through all these traumatising things in my life if God really really was there or if God was really really in love with me as his daughter the way that he should be the way that everyone says he is the way that the Bible says he is. It took me awhile to accept that I didn’t need to run anymore. It took me awhile to accept that I didn’t need to be the person that I was being just to get his attention. He was there he was there this whole time he was there with me he was there protecting me he was guiding me and making sure that I didn’t go overboard. But he allowed me to hit rock bottom. I blame God for everything that went wrong I blamed him for me loving an addict I blamed him for me becoming an addict I blamed him for my mom being an addict. I blame God for the divorce of my parents as a youth I blame God for the abuse that I endure through a boyfriend I blamed God because I just felt like he had just given up on me. And all along all I had to know was I had given up on myself God was waiting for me he was there he was holding me up he was keeping me from dying inside.

So to answer my own question faith is believing in God no batter what.And knowing he will always take care of me and make a way!

image

Advertisements

SOFTBALL CRAZE….

As a child, I was never given the opportunity to play sports. So naturally as a mom I put my kids in them. Hoping to keep them focused and motivated, and hoping to just make them happy! I mean really, who wants three unhappy daughters!  I put them in tee-ball which soon evolved into softball, and it wasn’t just regular softball it was travel ball! Its a very aggressive and demanding sport… Sheesh! The travel, the equip, the practice, uniforms, coaches, yelling audience, unhappy blues, its a craze!  And yet in the midst of the madness, I’m in love with the idea of maybe today my daughter is just going to shine and be that great player I know she can be!  As my younger two start their 2nd year of softball watching them grow in to the sport has been AMAZING!  But also expensive and stressful! It’s worth it all because they are my world!

My Beautiful Daughter

As the days grow closer,

It hits me harder….

My precious daughter you have grown.

Your beautiful sparkle,

and amazing smile,

The beauty that you show.

Where has the time gone,

Why are you growing so fast?

Soon you will leave me behind.

So I sit here and watch you,

hoping that I have taught you

All you need to live a good life.

Your teen years are here,

and high school approaches,

Oh the fears I have inside.

But I will sit here and watch you,

using all that I taught you….

As you feel my heart with pride!

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT

PERFECTLY IMPERFECT…. BY ANNA

 

Perfectly imperfect….

A simple description of who I am!

Perfectly imperfect….

Not changing for any man!

 

My morals keep me sane,

and my kids keep me loved!

My faith keeps me motivated,

I would be defeated without God!

 

Perfectly imperfect….

is what I choose to be!

Perfectly imperfect….

is what you’ll always see!

 

I’m strong, smart, and beautiful!

I have big goals and dreams!

I’m taking action in my life,

and soon I will succeed!

 

Perfectly imperfect….

that’s just who I am!

Perfectly imperfect….

not changing for any man!

Testimony

So yesterday at church I was very touched. It brought a lot of reflection on myself and some things I am dealing with presently and things I’ve dealt with in my colorful past. I don’t know why I am writing this at this time but it is just in me and it will not leave! So here we go….

My name is Anna I am 33 years old, I am new to Living Grace, but not new to church or to the building known as Living Grace at this moment. Lets talk a little about background. I was born and raised in San Jose, Ca. I was raised in a Christian church, ( Cathedral of Faith) which I considered home for a very long time, but ran away from at times too! I was determined to learn all the bible verses from Sunday school first, and sing in Choir, and participate in plays, which seemed only natural since my parents were so involved with prison ministries, bible studies, my mom part of the band on stage. Every thing always seemed picture perfect, but we knew the truth. Little by little my parents lost focus on God’s love which they had taught us so much about, soon the serpents of domestic violence, anger, depression, addiction, adultery, suicide attempts had taken over the house, and as a child I didn’t quite understand that God loved me if he could let all this happen. And since my parents no longer went to church or prayed neither did I. Teenage years hit parents divorced, addiction of a parent grew, , peer pressure, curiosity of the unknown, still feeling alone, so alone I decided I was going to have a boyfriend. That boyfriend became abusive both emotionally and physically but with all the other turmoil in my life it seemed only natural to hold on and maybe things would change. The only things that had changed was I had become at mom at the age of 18. As I feared doing anything to upset this person in my life that I loved and wanted love in return, still blaming God for everything. By 19 I had tried different drugs and as the abuse continued I became addicted to numbing the pain of life. Sept 2001 I finally left I moved into my own apartment, ending up with a roommate that had the same addiction as me, and continued using thinking it was OK because I was what others considered functional. I payed bills and worked, and just lived life like it was normal. January 1, 2002 my daughters father had committed suicide in front of me in my apartment, he took a 22 and put it to my head after crying about how our daughter would resent him for killing me he told me I would feel every ounce of pain he felt when I took my daughter away from him, and shot himself. This really took me for a bad turn, I became even more addicted and running further and further from eve and everyone. I spent a lot of time with others running from the reality of life, and doing things I was doing. In 2003 my grandma asked to go to church with her, it was the same building here on Terminal but known as abundant life, I didn’t want to go but I wanted to make her happy. As I was there a lady pulled me in the walkway and said God loves you, he knows you are angry with him but has never left you! Naturally being that I had lost all faith I was thinking you don’t know me, or what I’ve been thru let go of me, he doesn’t love me, how could he. But just cried and let her finish talking and left there knowing that I needed change, but didn’t want it, and didn’t want to fail because I was not ready, I met David in this year. In Dec 2004 I was walking out the door of our home to go party for a relatives birthday, same game same scene, my daughter, already 4 years old, asked me where I was going? I told her I will be back tonight, she reminded me that I always say that and don’t come back for two days and what if I left like her dad left and never come back? The addict in me kissed her and walked out headed to the bus, and as I got on the bus I couldn’t stop crying, I went to the trolley, and when I entered the trolley it was like I was blinded to the destination and did not hear the announcement, still stuck in the words of my daughter, at some point I finally look up and realize I was on the wrong side of town only to find my self at the exit in front of my old church, the place I grew up , the place I was introduced to my Father , my protector my God. The ugliness in me said ehhh just keep going, but I didn’t. I got off the trolley, still troubled about my daughters words, walked to the church in search for someone to talk to, as I enter the church I here yelling, I walking and there was the youth group performing a drama about life, suicide, drugs, fornication, abuse, it seemed it was about everything that had ever gone wrong in my life. I sat there watching them and I cried and cried and cried. Only to go up for alter call and prayer. This lady named Cathy came up and said, I don’t know why God led me to me you, but I feel I need to pray for you what is it you need prayer for, I replied I am tired of running and I am an addict I am a mother….. I need help I’m so tired of this life. After prayer she told me why God sent her to me, she was apart of Celebrate Recovery and was willing to help me, I started attending and had this fire for Gods love, I felt renewed, at some point I ended up having to go to a jail for ten days for not doing weekend work that I was assigned to, but I was OK with it. I seen it as God needed me there for some reason, and I found that reason as I continued in the addiction meetings and told others my story, only to see a few of those girls in church a few months later. Again at some point I lost my way, I battled with an addict that I had twins with and that he continued the life I ran from. I battled it the wrong way, with fists instead of prayer…… Here we are 2015 and we found a new home! The home we have found together is Living Grace, we love being there and are ready for Gods miracles…. I witnessed my first miracle…. Which is David wanting to go to church and wanting to learn more about Gods Love! I am happy we finally attended together, and now instead of me pushing him to go to church, sometimes hes rushing me to get ready….. God is good all the time!

1898086_599987286772274_4591734896443609963_n

Teen Craze

My daughter is now 14 and has the attitude of a 30 year old. I don’t know how we quite got here in this place we are. Did I not pay enough attention? What did I do wrong? She seems to continuously test me and test the boundaries of this mother daughter relationship. Doing things I would never imagine her doing. She is very aware of everything in this world, and these crazy streets. The more and more I yearn for the days to return when she was filled with innocence, the more and more she shows me that she is growing up and I can’t stop her! I can dream of the day that her eyes open wide to the realities of this crazed world. Praying soon that cloud of darkness over her head, will soon shine beams of light breaking thru. I love her more then she would ever come to realize, and just want what is best for her. This helpless feeling is killing me inside.wwww

Letting Go

Let go of the past. – Don’t let the past steal your present and future from you. Accept the fact that the past in not today. You might not be proud of all the things you’ve done in the past, but that’s okay. The past is not today. The past cannot be changed, forgotten, or erased. It can only be accepted. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Philippians 3:13 “Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” b36f9357f44b55b8400859183089aaf2